Parent Teacher Disaster
by sweetteasus
Summary: Smartass Family Tony/Loki with Peter Parker as their child . Peter's teacher requests a parent-teacher conference with Peter's parents. Peter doesn't know who to feel sorry for: the teacher or himself.
1. Chapter 1

**Here's a Smartass Family fic. Established Tony/Loki with Peter Parker as their adopted child. Enjoy~**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this characters. I'm only borrowing them for a bit.**

* * *

Peter gave an inward cheer as the final bell rang. _Finally!_ He thought to himself as he grabbed his bag and prepared to leave. _Time to go home and not think of any of this shit!_ He was almost out of the classroom when Mr. Sterling called his name.

"Hey Peter, can I chat with you for a quick sec?" Mr. Sterling was nice enough, but he wasn't exactly Peter's favorite teacher, mainly because he taught History and that was the one subject that wasn't easy for him. The fact that Peter didn't exactly try didn't really help either. Peter waved at Wade, telling him to wait for him outside.

"Uh, sure. What's up?" Mr. Sterling gave Peter a smile.

"Peter, I know you're more of a scientist than a historian and that's fine. We all have things that we're good at. But I've been very concerned with how you're doing in this class, especially after the last test. Report cards come out tomorrow and I just wanted to give you the head's up that I've requested to meet with your father."

_I've request to meet with your father._ Peter's brain short-circuited right at those words.

"Wh-what?"

"You're not in trouble, Peter. I just want the three of us to sit down and see if we can figure out the best way to get you the help you need in this class. I want to see you succeed, Peter. I would hate to have to fail you. You know the saying, those who fail history—"

"—Are doomed to repeat it." Peter finished miserably. "Yeah, I'll let him know."

"Thanks Peter. I'll see you tomorrow." Mr. Sterling said cheerfully as Peter exited, looking like a man walking to his death.

* * *

"Sterling wants to meet with _who?!_" Gwen exclaimed as they walked home.

"You heard what I said. Mr. Sterling wants to meet with my dad, aka Tony Stark aka Iron Man." Peter said miserably. Wade gave a snort, earning a reproachful look from Peter.

"It's not funny, Wilson."

"Come on man, you have to admit, it's pretty hilarious. Can you imagine your dad having a parent-teacher conference with Mr. Sterling? I'd kill to see that." Wade chuckled. Gwen patted Peter on the back.

"It's okay Peter. Maybe Mr. Stark won't go. He doesn't seem like the parent-teacher type." Gwen said.

"Are you kidding me? He would totally go, if only because he'd know how much I'd hate it. And to ridicule Mr. Sterling for teaching a 'soft science." Peter scoffed.

"Well, Peter, it looks like you're stuck. Make sure you record it for me. I'm going to need the laugh after my dad sees my report card. Maybe you can put it on Youtube." Wade said, slapping him on the back.

Peter wanted to cry.

* * *

_The next day_

Peter raced home, praying to God that he was able to get to the mail before anyone else did. Yesterday, he decided he would play it cool and pretend that nothing was wrong.

So far it had worked. Nobody had suspected a thing. Especially Tony and Mr. Sterling. Now, if he could just intercept his report card before Tony saw it, he would be in the clear.

He entered Stark Tower and made a beeline for the mailboxes. Heart racing, he carefully punched in the mail code for the Avengers' mailbox, praying that the school had addressed it to him and not Tony. The mailbox opened and Peter almost had a heart attack when he saw that it was empty.

"Shit!" Someone must have beaten him to the mail. Cursing his luck, he raced to the elevator, hoping that whoever got the mail had not saw the letter addressed _To the parents of Peter B. Parker_ and placed it in Tony's mail slot. The elevator doors opened and Peter ran face-front into Thor's chest.

"Greetings, Peter Parker!" Thor greeted. Peter extracted himself before giving the Thunder God a dazed hello. Peter was about to excuse himself when he saw that Thor was holding the mail.

"Oh, good! You got the mail." _Play it cool, Parker_.

"Indeed, I have liberated these letters from its captor." Thor said proudly, holding up the assorted letters and magazines.

"Awesome, Thor. Hey, if you want, I'll sort them for you." Peter said, holding out his hands.

"But Peter Parker, it is my turn to sort the mail." Thor objected, holding the mail close to him.

"Don't worry about it, man. I'll do it for you. You go eat a Poptart or something." Peter hoped he didn't sound as desperate as he felt.

"Are you sure?" Thor asked, uncertain.

"Yeah dude, it's no big deal." _Give me the mail!_

"Well, alright." Thor gave Peter the mail. _Finally!_ "I will sort the mail for you next time as repayment."

"It's no big deal. Go, enjoy a Poptart or something. I think Clint bought the Cookie Dough ones this time." Thor grinned before bounding off to the kitchen. _Thank God.._ Peter thought as he began leafing through the mail.

"Bills…Junk…Bills…Popular Mechanics…American Handgunner…GQ…_Cosmo?!_" Peter wrinkled his nose, before breaking out into laughter. _So Natasha read Cosmo, eh? Blackmail!_ He continued going through the pile before finally coming across what he was looking for!

"Ah-ha! Found ya!" Peter exclaimed, holding the report card up like a trophy. _Now to go destroy this_, Peter thought gleefully. _This was too easy. _

"What do you have there, Peter." _Shitshitshitshit_. It was Loki. No wonder it was too easy. Peter quickly schooled his features before turning around to face Loki.

"H-hey, Mom….what's up?" Peter said, hoping he sounded calm.

"I wanted my mail." Loki said, looking down at the scattered pile.

"Oh, well, it's right there. Thor was supposed to sort it, but I think he got distracted by some Poptarts or something. I'm gonna go upstairs and do my homework, so I'll see you at di—"

"What is that in your hand?" Peter swallowed hard. The only thing worse than Tony finding out about the parent-teacher conference was _Loki_ finding out.

"It's nothing. Just a letter." Peter said. Loki smirked. _Shit._

"If it's nothing, then you should have no problem letting me see it." Now Peter was wishing that it were Tony who saw the letter. With much resignation, Peter passed Loki the report card. Carefully, Loki opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.

"Ah, it seems 'nothing' is actually a report card." Loki said as he scanned over the sheet.

"Hmm…it seems in English, you have a B plus, in Physics an A plus, in Advanced Calculus an A plus, an A in Physical Education, and in History you have a D minus…" Loki read off. "And your teacher has requested a parent-teacher conference."

"Mom, please." Peter pleaded. Loki looked up from the report card, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"I wonder what _Daddy _would have to say about this…"

"Mom, I'm serious. Please don't show Dad."

"Don't show Dad what?" Peter could have died right then and there. The aforementioned Dad came up behind Loki and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Ah, Tony. You're just in time. Peter has a letter for you." Loki said, smirking at Peter. _Thanks, Mom_ Peter thought bitterly as Tony read over his report card.

"You got a D minus in History?!"

"It's still passing!" Peter protested. Tony rolled his eyes.

"_Barely_ passing. Your teacher requested a conference." Tony said. Peter began to wonder which god in heaven he pissed off. He wouldn't be surprised if it was actually Loki.

"You're not gonna go are you?" Peter whined, praying that someone up there (hopefully Thor) would take pity on him and end him.

"You bet your ass I'm going. A D minus? Some kid genius you are." Tony said. _Ouch._

"Well, gee, thanks, _Dad_." Peter sniffed.

"Jarvis, remind me tomorrow to call Peter's teacher." Tony said.

"It has been noted, sir." Jarvis answered. Peter groaned; this was going to be a disaster.

"And you, young man—" _Seriously?!_ "—are grounded until further notice. No hanging out with your friends and no Spider-man."

"But Dad—"

"No son of mine is going to fail a soft science!"

* * *

"So when is this conference?" Loki asked, as they got ready for bed.

"It's next Tuesday at three-thirty. Why?" Tony asked suspiciously.

"Oh goody. I'm not doing anything so I should be able to make it." Loki said calmly.

"Oh no, there's no reason for you to go. I can handle this." Tony shook his head.

"I am the boy's mother. I believe it was addressed to the both of us. I want to go." Loki said, folding his arms across his chest. Tony swallowed hard. He hadn't really intended on going, just making Peter squirm. He was going to have Pepper call the teacher tomorrow and tell him that he couldn't do it. Tony Stark did not do parent-teacher conferences.

"But—"

"No buts, Stark. I'm going." Loki said. Might as well fess up, Tony thought to himself.

"You may be going, but I wasn't. I don't do these things. I only said that to make Peter upset. Serves him right for getting a D." Tony said, dropping on to the bed.

"So…you were lying to him." Loki asked after a few moments of silence. Tony grimaced. Wrong thing to say to the man whose father had lied to him for the majority of his life.

"Yeah…I guess I did…" Tony said sheepishly.

"You were lying to our son…" Loki said dangerously.

"I mean…I guess I could go…" Tony backtracked quickly.

"That's what I thought. _We_ will go together." Loki said finally.

Tony wanted to cry.

* * *

**Yeah, stay tuned for Chapter 2! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks everyone who enjoyed this :3 A little bit of OOC-ness, especially in regards to Peter's aptitude for history and a bit of Tony hating on my major. Also, the potential for a very hilarious sequel. Maybe. I hope.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Marvel does. I'm only borrowing them.**

* * *

Tuesday came way too fast for Peter and Tony's liking. It was almost like some other worldly deity had manipulated time into moving faster (and Tony was quite sure that's what was going on if Loki's constant smirking was anything to go on). Anyway, Tuesday had come and the young Peter Parker was desperately trying to convince the genius, ex-playboy philanthropist not to attend.

"Please, Dad? I promise, I'll bring my grades up. I won't even go out as Spider-man for a month. Please don't do this?" Peter pleaded, dropping to his knees. Tony rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Would you quit being so dramatic? Do you really think I want to go to your little conference?" Tony said.

"If you don't want to go, then why are we even having this discussion?" Peter asked, getting off his knees.

"You forget who your mother is."

* * *

Time continued to fly and soon the dismissal bell was ringing, signifying Peter's imminent doom. Wade had suggested pretending to get sick in the middle of class, but Peter was quick to remind him that one did not simply fake being sick around the Avengers (or Loki, who could spot a doctored thermometer a mile away). Gwen could only offer the promise of a sympathetic ear after the conference and an offer to help him study for the next test. For the first time since becoming a superhero, Peter started wishing that _something_ would come and decimate a part of the city, if only so Tony and Loki would be too preoccupied to worry about something as paltry as a parent-teacher conference. No dice, because at approximately 3:10 he received a text message from "Daddy" saying that they were almost at the school.

"I'm so screwed! Sterling is never going to look at me the same after this!" Peter moaned as he walked to the front of the building with Wade and Gwen, who had offered to stay until his parents arrived.

"You'll be fine." Gwen said, patting his shoulder.

"Yeah man. Unless your mom wears the helmet and your dad breaks out the iron suit. That would be hilarious!" Wade laughed.

"I asked them to show up looking like normal people…Mom would probably bring the helmet just to spite me…" he griped, grasping his hair. Gwen was about say something comforting when the familiar chord of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" started blasting from Peter's pocket. Peter groaned before answering the phone.

"Dad, where are you? You're nearby? Okay, well I'm standing outside. Please tell me you guys are dressed like normal people. Please! Dad? Daad?" Peter gave another groan before stuffing the phone back into his pocket. "He hung up on me!"

"Parents, man. They just don't understand." Wade snickered. Peter slumped down on the sidewalk, head in his hands.

"After today, I'm going to have to repeat History." Peter wailed.

"You are not going to fail history." Gwen said, rolling her eyes.

"Yes I will! Because I'm never going to be able to show my face in Sterling's class again!" Wade and Gwen shared a look. Wade was about to crack another joke when a brand new Ferrari rolled up to where they standing. Wade gave a whistle while Gwen rolled her eyes for the nth time that day.

"Nice ride, Mr. Stark!" Wade said as Tony got out of the car. Tony grinned before shutting the door and walking around to the passenger side.

"Thanks, Wilson. I just got it yesterday and I'd been itching to take her out. Hello, Gwen." Tony said, opening the door for Loki. "Here you go, _honey._"

"Thank you, Stark. Even though I am fully capable of opening a door." Loki huffed, stepping out of the vehicle. Tony grinned before turning to face Peter.

"Well, Petey, do we look normal enough for you?" Tony was dressed rather casually in an Iron Maiden T-shirt and a pair freshly pressed (thanks to Steve) jeans. Loki, on the other hand…

"Full-tilt diva" did not even begin to cover it. Loki was dressed like he had stepped off the cover of GQ. Tailored suit, deep green scarf about his neck, and a pair of designer sunglasses (all compliments of Tony's Platinum card) on top of his head. Peter sighed.

"…I guess…"

"Hm, and Stark said I was overdressed." Loki smirked.

"Well, it's 3:28, so I guess you guys better get going." Wade said, checking his watch. Peter shot him a dirty look before getting to his feet.

"I guess we should go get this over with…" Peter said, leading Loki and Tony inside.

"Good luck Peter!" Gwen called.

"Yeah, you're going to need it!" Wade snickered.

* * *

The family stood outside Mr. Sterling's room, Tony and Peter looking extremely uncomfortable. Peter sighed with all the resignation of a condemned man and gave a small, timid knock on the door.

"It's open!" Peter pushed the door in to reveal Mr. Sterling sitting at his desk, grading papers. Upon seeing Peter and Tony, he quickly got up, extending his hand to Tony.

"Hello, Mr. Stark, I'm Joshua Sterling, your son's teacher. It's an honor to meet you." he said pleasantly. Tony forced a smile and shook the man's hand.

"Uh, pleasure's mine." Mr. Sterling continued to smile as his eyes fell on Loki. He did a double take, no doubt shocked to see someone who had leveled half of the city standing in his classroom with Iron Man.

"Oh, um, I didn't realize that you were in the middle of apprehending a villain. I'm so sorry Mr. Stark!" Mr. Sterling sputtered, stepping back from the group. Peter grimaced, wondering whom he had pissed off in a previous life.

"Uh, sorry Mr. Sterling. I guess I should have given you a head's up. This is Loki…. he's my, um…"

"I'm his mother. _You_ may call me Mr. Liesmith." Loki snapped, flipping his scarf over his shoulder. Mr. Sterling continued to gawk, looking from Loki to Tony to Peter and back at Loki again.

"Um, what?" Loki gave an exasperated sigh.

"If Stark is Peter's father and if I am Stark's partner, then surely that must make me Peter's mother? Isn't that how it works on this blasted realm?" Loki asked impatiently. Mr. Sterling swallowed before giving Peter a look. Peter was about to say something to hopefully diffuse the situation, but Tony beat him to it.

"Yeah, Peter's mom is a guy. We're what you'd call a 'non-traditional' family. You know, Petey has two daddies only one of them is a genius, ex-playboy philanthropist superhero and the other is an insane Norse god of mischief. Now, can we get on with this?" Peter wondered if it was possible to die of embarrassment. Mr. Sterling gulped before asking the trio to have a seat. Peter had wanted to sit on the end, preferably by the window in case he needed to end it all quickly, but Loki made him sit in between them.

"So, ahem," Mr. Sterling began, trying to get his bearings straight, "you're probably wondering why I've called for this meeting…"

"Yeah, Peter can't tell the difference between World War I and World War II. We saw the report card." Tony groused.

"Ah, yes, Peter has been having some trouble in History. I have his last two test if you would like to have a look at them." Mr. Sterling said, pulling out some papers. He held them across the desk, waiting for Tony to take them from him.

"Oh, yeah, put them on the desk." Tony said.

"Excuse me?" Peter wished the floor would swallow him.

"My dad…he doesn't like to be handed things. It bothers him." Peter said apologetically. Mr. Sterling looked at Tony before placing the papers on the desk. Tony picked them up and handed Loki one of the tests. There was a few moments of silence as Loki and Tony looked over Peter's answers to the test.

"Peter…you know the Civil War wasn't fought in the 1700s, right?" Tony said after awhile. Peter could feel his ears turning red.

"I know that…I just got them confused…I thought the eighteenth century was the same as the eighteen hundreds…" Peter said defensively. Loki raised an eyebrow.

"Peter, are you aware that you received an eleven on this test?"

"What?! How do you even do that?" Tony looked over at the test Loki was holding.

"Well, each question was worth five points each and since he got two right…I gave him an extra point for putting his name on it." Mr. Sterling supplied helpfully.

"Oh well that's just _great_." Tony said, glaring at Peter.

"Hey, I tried to ask you guys for help, but you were busy!"

"Busy saving Manhattan from one of your mother's mood swings!"

"Which would not have happened if you hadn't made that horse joke, Stark."

"Oh, now it's my fault, just like every—"

"Ahem." The three of them looked back at Mr. Sterling, who was shifting uncomfortably in his seat, remembering that they were in public.

"Anyway, I was hoping that we could all try and find a way to bring up Peter's grades." Mr. Sterling said, trying to get back on topic.

"What do you suggest, Sterling?" Loki asked, leaning back in his seat.

"Well, I was thinking maybe Peter should get some additional help outside the classroom. Like perhaps a tutor?" Mr. Sterling suggested.

"A tutor? Peter already has a tutor." Tony said.

"Really?" Mr. Sterling looked concerned. "You mean someone has been tutoring him this entire time?" If getting an eleven on a test was the result of being tutored, Mr. Sterling hated to wonder what he would have gotten without help.

"Yes. Isn't this your dear Uncle Steven's forte?" Loki asked, looking at Peter.

"He's only good for stuff between 1922 and 1943. He couldn't even tell me who won the war he fought in!" Peter said. Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Christ on a cracker, Peter, we won the war."

"I _know_ that. For a while Clint had him convinced that Germany had won and that we were just a dependency or something. He almost took German lessons!"

"Um, who is this "Uncle Steven?" Mr. Sterling asked, concerned. The man sounded a little touched in the head.

"Oh, he's a ninety-year old WWII veteran who was frozen in ice for the past seventy years. He's had to do some catching up." Tony said waving his hand like it was no big deal.

"I-I-I don't think your Uncle Steven is the type of tutor you need…"

"Understandable. I guess the good Captain is going to have to go back to helping you with your art projects." Tony said.

"Well, the school has a variety of resources for students that are struggling," Mr. Sterling launched into a spiel that he had made many times before, "we have an after-school tutoring program as well as a private tutoring service that we recommend." Tony and Loki looked at each other.

"Private tutoring service?" Tony repeated.

"Yes. The company is very well respected and very effective. Guaranteed to raise your grade or your money back. Every student that's used them have had considerable improvements in their grades." Mr. Sterling said.

"And what do they do…?" Loki asked, glancing at Peter.

"Oh, it's quite simple, really. You call them and they'll come to your house for a consultation. Try and see what his strengths and weaknesses are so they can best match you with a tutor. A few days later, you'll meet your tutor and they'll come to you as often as you need them. I believe there a required once-a-week session, but after that its up to you how often they come." Mr. Sterling said, handing Tony a business card for them. He pocketed it immediately.

"Huh, and they come to you?" Peter recognized that look in Tony's eyes.

"Oh no, no, no, no. It took me ages before I was even allowed to go up to our floor and now you're going to let some rando in, just like that?" Peter exclaimed.

"You hush. People who get elevens on tests have no say." Tony said.

"Honestly, Parker. I expected better from you. None of my other children have ever had these problems. But then again, maybe this is something you get from your father." Loki said, smirking. Tony and Peter glared.

"Oh, Peter. I wasn't aware that you had siblings. I thought you were an only child." Mr. Sterling said, hoping to break the tension. Peter snorted.

"Yeah, if you count an eight-legged horse, a giant wolf, a snake that surrounds Earth, and the embodiment of Hell as siblings, then yes, I do." Mr. Sterling sputtered before looking at Tony and Loki.

"Don't look at me. I only have one that I know of." Tony said, making sure to add in that last part. Loki rolled his eyes before pulling out a worn piece of paper.

"Yes, and here they are, sans Peter. Aren't they just delightful?" Loki said, showing Mr. Sterling a small family portrait that he had commissioned of his children. Mr. Sterling gulped.

"Um, yes…especially the horse. He, um, has your eyes?"

"Yes, Sleipnir. My little pumpkin." Loki grinned. Tony face palmed while Peter was wishing there was a way to kill himself. _Maybe I can slit my wrists with the tests?_

"Uh-uh, sure? Anyway, back to, uh, Peter. Tutoring." Mr. Sterling said, trying to figure out a way to end this so he could wipe this from his memory.

"Yeah, we'll set something up with the company. Like I said, no son of mine is going to fail something as banal as history." Tony said impatiently. Mr. Sterling furrowed his brow.

"With all due respect, Mr. Stark, history is not a banal subject. Like I tell my students, 'those who fail history are doomed to repeat it." Mr. Sterling said, nodding a little.

"Well, with all due respect, Mr. Sterling, I still think this is a useless subject. Now, physics or engineering, that's something they should be focusing on." Tony said, leaning back into his chair. Peter let his head drop into his hands.

"Dad…please not this again…"

"Without the history of something, your trite subjects would be rendered useless." Mr. Sterling said. Tony sat up a little.

"What's so great about this anyway? Nothing but memorization of facts and dates. Loki's eight-legged son could teach this." Tony said.

"Are you implying, Mr. Stark, that a horse could do my job." Mr. Sterling said hotly, rising from his seat.

"You said it. You're the one with a student who made an eleven." Tony scoffed, also getting to his feet.

"Mom, do something!" Peter pleaded. Loki gave a longsuffering sigh before pulling Tony back into his seat.

"Please forgive him. He has this complex where he likes to pretend that science is superior to everything in life. It's very unbecoming on him." Loki said, boredom evident in his voice. Tony shot him a dirty look before settling into his seat. For the billionth time, Mr. Sterling swallowed hard, being hit with the realization that he almost went toe-to-toe with Iron Man.

"Ahem, yeah, whatever. Like I said, we'll see to it that he gets the help he needs. Are we done here?" Tony said.

"I believe so. Peter, please let me know when you get your tutor so I can make them aware of important assignments." Mr. Sterling said with an air of resignation, getting himself settled.

"Sure, will do." Peter mumbled, not looking up as he rose.

"Yes, it was a, ah, pleasure to meet you, Mr. Sterling." Loki said, extending his hand once more as he got up.

"The pleasure was mine." Mr. Sterling mumbled, giving Loki a weak handshake.

"Yeah, we'll have to do this again sometime. _Not._" Tony said under his breath.

"Well Peter, I guess I'll see you tomorrow in seventh period. Don't forget to do the reading and the questions tonight. I'll be going over them in class." Mr. Sterling said.

"Oh, he will. In fact, he's not going to be doing anything else until it gets done. Right Peter?" Tony said, glaring at the teen.

"Yeah, dad." That tone of voice meant no Spider-Man for a while.

* * *

"Well, that was fun." Loki said as they headed back to the car.

"Fun for you, maybe. I, on the other hand, will never be able to face Sterling again." Peter moaned, pulling out his phone to text Wade.

"I don't like him. Maybe we can get you moved to a different class." Tony said, fumbling for the keys.

"It's the middle of the year."

"So? And why are you still in high school anyway? Shouldn't you be graduating college or something?"

"Just because you graduated at fifteen doesn't mean we all do." Peter shot back. Tony rolled his eyes.

"Details. Now, where did I put that business card?" Tony said, searching his pockets.

"You're not serious about the tutoring thing, are you?" Peter asked.

"You bet your ass I am. Until that grade comes up, you can kiss your vigilantism good-bye." Peter sputtered.

"But Dad—"

"No buts!"

"Mom, please!" Loki sighed. This was getting ridiculous.

"You heard your father. Besides, perhaps this tutoring could be beneficial." Loki said, opening the car door for Peter. Peter made a whining noise.

"Suck it up, kid. You're getting a tutor and that's that." Tony said, sliding into the driver's side.

"Yes. Though one of us will probably have to monitor these sessions and it seems like your father has graciously volunteered himself for it. Tony immediately looked over at Loki.

"Excuse me? I didn't say—"

"You're the one in favor of it. It's only natural that you be the one to monitor." Loki said, gracefully buckling his seatbelt.

"But, dear—"

"No 'buts,' Stark." Loki smirked. "Now take us home. I'm quite hungry."

Tony and Peter made identical whining noises.


End file.
